Another Anniversary remembered

6 years ago I became very depressed. A depression that I still struggle to break out of on most days. Six years ago so many tremendous things happened around the same time. So much so that I buckled and most of my former character collapsed. The prospect of being pregnant for our senior year was not a completely welcome one but one that we geared up to handle together as a very green but hopeful couple. Doubts were all around us but so was the hope and the help, from our friends from our professors and school, so much so that we dubbed it our Yale family that helped with classes, laundry, and childcare. But juxtaposition to the help and the inevitable fear of becoming a family and parents came events completely out of our hands. August ended with a cousin in an accident going home and another in jail. September 11th happened while I sat on the cusp of our Senior year in Accounting class, that evening I think my personal dam began to overflow. How could we bring a child into this madness into the foolish world that resulted from the attacks. The prospects of graduating and getting decent jobs evaporated that morning the economy would be stuck for while and still our baby grew. When she was born the hope returned but only for a while again as classes began again the dark vibration of postpartum gripped my wife but the chuckles of the baby would shake those away. Suddenly my cousin in the accident died on the road to recovery. In a whirl we were back in California for the funeral of my cousin introducing my family to our new daughter at the bleakest of times. My hopes and dreams were shattered by so many unfixable things that fear invaded my heart and planted the seeds of doubt so deep that nothing has been able to kill the roots of it. The move to Arizona only helped to feed this illness and breed the accompanying depression that coupled with a depressed spouse made for an unhappy home. That's not to say we both didn't try but the joys of Arizona came in spurts and aside from our daughter they mostly came from outside sources but within me the apathy to live fogged my joy. 3 years later SoCal came in a whirl as I knew once a sink cut a gash on my head that I need to change although the follow through of that change was not there the job in California was the impetus of that change. While enjoying my new line of poorly paying work, my spouse's will also broke and the calamity of being in Arizona crashed upon the family. My obsession for the next calamity since 9/11 was linked to my being hooked to the depressing news cycle that was like m&m or soda, tasty but not filling, I've indulged myself in useless toys and artifacts. Then the final year in Arizona made the hope of California like a fleeting moment that was wrapped up in the crash of our marriage in late September. This crash has made me scared of change any even the kind that I know is necessary to move forward, the finding a job and getting back into school so I can become a Lawyer that at times is all I want and in a flash I let go of those ganas as if it were a fish following the current. Why now that we are in California and my spouse is out of her depression can I not move forward with conviction? Why do I still feel the fear of six years ago and the hopelessness of the following spring a spring that never came for me. That void I think will exist in me for ever but I wonder if the wound of it will heal. I wish I were the blaming type but I'm an internalizer and a lingerer that has not let go of the past or the wrong decisions that I have made. Once upon a time and in flashes I'm confident to the point of being arrogant but that was a part of me that helped me get through Yale and High School. The highs and lows of my life have been extreme and usually very closely aligned to one another. Near fatal illness/ wining the lottery, birth of my child/ death of a family member. I don't hold anger but the saddness of those incomplete times in my life, the joy of being a college freshman was not to be mine, the joys of being a senior were not either, and sharing the beauty of my daughter with the hope of recovery with my cousins in LA and in jail were not to be mine either. Those moments came and went and slowly but firmly have broken my spirit. Now being back were I once was well is a strange feeling. Not the this is not the same feeling of my surroundings I expected most of that and enjoy exploring the changes, no the change is in me. Dean Loge once told me or emailed me the story of returning to the same camp ground in Vermont year after year and that each time it was not exactly the same and he wondered if it was the site or himself having changed through out the year. In this vain I write this to expose the unhealthy ruts I have fallen into to see that I'm back but not well as I once was or hope to be. Hope is returning though with the adventures of my daughter in kindergarten and with a neighborhood of good people and children, she seems at peace and in place here. My family is enjoying being in closer proximity with us here in California and the joy of life has returned to my spouse, now the project and focus is on myself, which after so many years of neglecting myself its a small paradox in exactly how to do it. The list of things to do are compiled and yet still I procrastinate, why? I don't know... the fear of getting to a good place and having something terrible shatter it to bits? Probably, I don't want to lose anymore happiness but the happiness is not as bright or vivid (without Tide) as it should be so I must fight to move it forward. That is one of the big reasons for my 5 year delay in writing my essay something like most that I should have done years ago. At cultural connections I was famous for reading Dr. Seuss - Oh the places you will go. That book inspires me now to move forward because as god's creatures we must.

If I continue to write here it will be a sign I'm moving forward if not then the fear will still be gripping my soul, but I promise to fight it.

6 year Anniversary

In the Bay

Very happy to be back in California, now i just need a job.

Chicano Minute

Monday Videos

new videos for you to watch and comment on.




Pilli blogging will comence once again this week. 2 more till we move.

new videos watch them...

Cumbia Lunera by el Gran Silencio perfomed by fans


this cumbia video is great! check out the spinning dip at right before the half way mark i think that couple is the best.


Avril's Girlfriend song is catchy

Dissapointment

I wish these observations weren't true but Villaraigosa just became the next Henry Cisneros. Damn you gore jr.... I'm still pushing for Obama but we'll see what happens.


Managing Disappointments

by Steve Soto

I’ll cut to the chase and say it, even though most of you will disagree: Al Gore’s chances for a successful entry into the presidential race ended the moment his troubled son was pulled over and busted once again. You can disagree all you want, but the truth is that the media has a new club to use against Gore. His son was busted in a Prius going over a hundred miles an hour (wow, who knew?), possessing marijuana and prescription drugs that weren’t his.

We can bleat all we want about how this is a family matter and is irrelevant to whether or not Gore is the best candidate in 2008, but anyone who really believes that is doing their best to ignore the reality that the GOP, the Mighty Wurlitzer, and their ilk have fresh meat to beat us over the head with. The right-wing talking points write themselves: “they must be bad parents”; “he can’t even guide his son let alone guide a country”, yada-yada-yada.

It’s over folks. Gore needed a reentry without distractions and without providing his political opponents in the media any ammunition. That isn’t possible now, and the Gores need to focus on family matters at this time.

And while we are on the topic of disappointments, Los Angeles mayor Antonio Villaraigosa is a slug who can’t seem to keep his zipper up. Take a hike mayor and forget about running for governor of California. You will never get my vote. And please don’t insult my intelligence with that “it’s a personal matter” bullshit. It’s not personal but rather a reflection of character and judgment, or lack of the same. There are plenty of politicians who manage to stay faithful to their spouses, who deal with the same temptations and challenges without wrecking a marriage, a family, or an administration of supporters. Just as Clinton showed a character flaw and poor judgment, Villaraigosa has done the same. It’s ludicrous for Democrats to blast Rudy Giuliani for treating his wives as toilet paper but to then give Villaraigosa a pass for infidelity.

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Steve Soto

Grand Canyon Visit

I'm DONE!!

I'm ready to dance and come on out. Senior ESSAY Done!!

Mo'Money Mo Problems steals the song so well

My new favorite song

East Coast Classic

Lety Graduating

Graduation Pictures

Pictures from Wellesley and Boston.

The future

We are moving to Berkeley so and I'm overwhelmed by a season of graduations, Gabriel's, Ciuapilli's and Biggest and Bestest Graduation at Wellesley. For my sister Leticia whom I am so proud of, more pictures will be coming on the blog. I have decided I truly want to go to law school hopefully in the next 3 years. Getting a master would be good but it needs to be in the bay. I don't know what will happen but I'm exicted that what will happen will be good. Plus were going to the reunion in New Haven. I need to finish before then and I will but I just wanted to write about the excitement and other things are shaping up for the future.

Wellesly Graduation

Pictures from the departure flight and moving out.

Mario Kart movie

Steve Gilliard RIP

Orcinus does one of the best jobs to remember Steve.

Steve Gilliard, 1966-2007
Saturday, June 02, 2007

--by Sara

It's not news to anyone that the Internet is an emotionally complicated place. It binds us tightly to people we may never see in person. It makes us care about things that are farther away than we might ever imagine. It gives us communities in which we can celebrate and grieve things that those we share our meatworld homes with may not understand.

I'm coming up hard against all those walls today. My birthday -- the last one of my forties -- dawned with the news that one of my favorite online friends-I've-never-met, Steve Gilliard, died this morning in a Manhattan hospital.

It was not unexpected. Steve was already on kidney dialysis, and had survived a previous heart surgery. So those of us who were part of his blog's lively online community were deeply concerned when took ill in late February with a heart valve infection. A valve replacement surgery followed; and when he came to, it became clear that he'd had a stroke during the operation. From there, things went downhill, with moments of hope cycling with despair.

In terms of grandeur and prestige within Blogtopia, The News Blog was similar in many respects to Orcinus -- a down-home two-person blog with a strong perspective, loyal following, and Technorati rankings right in the same range. It was my second online home after this place -- a home I shared with a group of regulars who were as eclectic and lively as the subjects Steve covered, and whom I came to regard as some of my best online friends.

Gilley's main contribution to the progressive conversation was his incredible depth as a military historian. That was the blood and bone of his blog -- careful explanations of strategy and tactics, illustrated with annoted satellite pictures of Baghdad neighborhoods showing what our troops were facing, and interlaced with stories from other wars throughout history in which troops had found themselves in similar situations. It was the kind of interpretive, explanatory war reporting Americans used to get before Vietnam: here's where we're going, what we're doing, what we hope to achieve. And, too often, Gilley's analysis -- simply by showing us the players, the field, and the scoreboard -- also showed us with perfect clarity why we were going to lose.

His blogging voice was brash and authoritative -- just what you'd expect from a lifelong New Yorker. We gave him no end of shit for the bold pronouncements and predictions he'd occasionally issue, which would often enough turn out to be dead wrong. But when he wrote about New York politics (he was merciless on Giuliani, and it's one subject on which we will be poorer without him), he had a way of making even an expat on the opposite coast care about the local political oddities of the Big Apple. Reading Gilley on NYC was like reading Molly Ivins on Texas. You could only sit back, mute, at the gobstopping wonder of it all.

Earlier in his career, Gilley worked for several years in Silicon Valley; and he and his blogging partner, the lovely and talented Jen, made scathing critiques of the tech industry's overhyped anything-goes corporate culture. As an African-American man, Gilley knew the same lesson that I'd learned as a woman there: Any time an employer starts making the office "more like home," it's because they never intend to let you go home. The day they put in the gym and hire a chef for the employee cafeteria, your life, as you once knew it, is over.

Beyond that: any time a company starts making noises about how the "old rules don't apply" to them, it means they have no intention of respecting the values those old rules represented. Those of us who depend on scrupulous attention to those traditional employment rules to protect us from abuse, exploitation, and discrimination should not welcome this announcement as happy news. It means they're going to screw you. Gilley knew -- and was gutsy enough to say right out loud -- that rich white West Coast boys with Stanford engineering degrees can be every bit as racist and sexist in their business practices as any southern cracker.

We had several rather heated arguments about this before he convinced me he was right. I don't think I ever conceded the point outright, but he got me to re-think those years of my life, and frame them in a way that helped me get some peace. I'll always owe him for that, and I regret that I didn't thank him for it.

What happened to The News Blog after Gilley took ill was one of the more remarkable experiences I've had in my online life. Within hours, TNB's commenter community seamlessly stepped up and found a way to keep the thing going -- and then kept it up, day in and day out, for nearly four months. Part of it was that we didn't want to lose each other's good company; but most of it was that we knew the blog was Steve's life and livelihood, and we wanted him to have it to come home to when he got well.

Steve, of course, didn't make it easy. He took all the access and account information with him into his initial coma. But a system emerged as Jen found workarounds, and a volunteer webmaster stepped in, and all of us took turns submitting stuff that we thought was in keeping with Steve's vision of the blog. Two of us emerged as the blog's strongest voices, launching what should by rights become stellar blogging careers (Lower Manhattanite and Hubris Sonic, let me know where you land); but we all chipped in with the usual mix of tech and humor and Steve's signature food blogging to keep several posts going up per day.

A lot of blogs have meatspace metaphors for the kind of "place" they are -- whiskey bars and whaling shacks and public streets and cozy salons. TNB had been, perhaps, a sort of busy midtown coffeehouse with a raucous group of regulars. But when Steve went into the hospital, it transformed into a 24-hour vigil of close friends hanging out in the waiting room of a Manhattan hospital, keeping each other fed and entertained while worrying, praying, and waiting together for the news.

And today, we got the news we dreaded most. Gilley is gone. The News Blog has gone dark. Jen told us from the first week that it would be closed down if Gilley died, and I expect she'll stick to that.

And the rest of us are left counting our losses. There are too few African-American voices in the progressive blogosphere anyway, but Steve's was simply irreplaceable. I've lost an online community I valued deeply. We'll mourn together for a while, and then scatter. It's the way of things in the online world: the feelings we have for people are very real; but sometimes, we're forced to reckon with the reality of just how ephemeral the connections that bind us are. The contradiction is not one that is sitting comfortably today.

It is the most beautiful of June evenings here in Vancover. My family's getting ready to take me out. We'll take a walk through the rhododendrons and heron rookery in Stanley Park, then find a seaside restaurant for dinner, and maybe go see a movie or take in the scene down on Robson Street. For a few hours, we'll celebrate what's been achieved in 49 years -- a loving and sturdy marriage, handsome children, a comfortable home, work that suffices, money enough, more good things to come.

And I'll resolve more firmly to drop some weight, watch my blood sugar, get those heart checkups...and keep blogging. If we're going to fill the silence left by the loss of Steve Gillard's great big voice, we're all going to have to keep ourselves strong, stay healthy, and learn to speak up a whole lot louder for what's right.

Updated with corrected information on Gilley's health. He wasn't diabetic.

3:40 PM Spotlight

Zonald

Another Lopez goes down!

George Lopez, the first Latino to lead a television series successfully, isn't laughing.

ABC, he said, has "unceremoniously" canceled his self-titled comedy, which over the years chronicled his personal life from his sad childhood growing up with an abusive grandmother, to his alcoholism and kidney transplant.

"The George Lopez Show" will live on in syndication, but that's not making Lopez feel better about not getting the chance to tell one final season of stories. Lopez said Steve McPherson, ABC president of prime-time entertainment, called him over the weekend to explain that "financially" it wasn't working out, that the network would lose money if it picked up the show again.

That explanation was painful to hear, Lopez said, considering the way the network has shuffled his show over the years -- four different time slots in five years -- and putting it up against "American Idol" time and time again.

It all contributed to the show's low ratings, a point not lost on Lopez who noted that this season his show out-performed two freshman comedies that were renewed: "Notes from the Underbelly" and "Knights of Prosperity."

"I’ll take the good and the bad," Lopez said. "I took the five years of good and I did a lot with the good. My popularity, I was involved in charities, I overcame my illness, all on TV. I shared all of that with America—every secret I had. Every personal feeling. Every emotion. Everything was open to the show. And what happens?"

Lopez said he attributed the cancellation in part to the fact that the show is produced by Warner Bros. Television, and not ABC Television Studios. Using some colorful language that cannot be printed in a family newspaper, Lopez scoffed in particular at another ABC pickup: "Caveman," about two brothers and one best friend, described as sophisticated cave dudes living in modern-day Atlanta, who will continually find themselves at odds with contemporary society.

"I get kicked out for a...caveman and shows that I out-performed because I’m not owned by [ABC Television Studios]...So a...Chicano can’t be on TV but a...caveman can?" Lopez said. "And a Chicano with an audience already? You know when you get in this that shows do not last forever, but this was an important show and to go unceremoniously like this hurts. One hundred seventy people lost their jobs."

For his part, Lopez will be fine. He has an HBO special and a movie coming in the summer, and a deal with Warner Bros. to produce television movies.

"TV just became really, really white again," he said.

--Maria Elena Fernandez

Wii addiction

Bumping in the Ipod

Ilegales - La Otra

Pilli story time