Tuesday, July 27, 2004

To do

need to mail shit and pay my student loan.

Clean up francisco

Stressing

Ok so I'm really stressed right now, had a week where I lost my mojo big time after feeling really good the week before.  Had a minor breakdown, too many question in my head, wasn't trying to think too much it just hit me.  Strangely I think it has to do with just realizing where I'm at.  For the first time in four years I'm alone.  Seriously, no kid no wife no nobody.  Maybe I can get my life in order.  Akward and (oh shoot what was the word we said Li Yun?) STAGNANT.   That's how I've felt.   Miss having all these people in my life that kept me feeling like I grew in so many ways, but being in Phoenix has really hamped that, Big time.  So stagnation with my friend is there sadly were all too busy to talk and bs.  I miss my loved one's bs.  I think we all get free minutes but we don't talk to each other because of all our own drama.  Stagnation.  My Senior Essay still fucken stagnat.  I think these alone days will help.  I haven't been able to reset like this in years... me whom values having is alone time has been with mari or the baby for 4 years straight, through all our ups and downs.  wierd.  I don't understand why I"m having anti-captialist emotion lately too.  My new car rocks but I'm afriad my shitty week might not allow me to make the payment in the next week! EEKE  YIKES... that were most of the stress comes from.  my boss kinda turned my screws during my breakdown but that's cool now.  I just need to make money.  My past, present and future goals are all trying to make sense of each other.  My once limitless existence seems way too limited now.  My pretentiousness has been humbled but at the same time I still feel like I will do more with my life than is expected of me or myself.  Si dios quiere.  I MISS MEXICO SOO MUCH.  It aches my bones.   four years without one of the most complex emotional spritual and comfortable situations of my life has me desprate.  I need to go to Huejuquilla.  I need to be on my ranch and contemplate the fact that my gene, ancestors walks the caminos I'm walking.  The distance that the apples have fallen from the mother tree.  I feel like my universe is complete there, although it doesn't feel perfect its as close as I have ever felt it.  I miss the fights the love and the sparkle and dissillusionment that mexico brings out in my family and myself.  Does everyone in this world have these issues?  Is there a way to have so many parts of your life and history so separtated, is that what joins and somewhat unites Latinos in this country.  A patria separada.  A world that should be just and is just in our minds but isn't and every way we try or have tried seem to not work.   I know this seem like a mindless ramble but its actually on of the clearest stream of thoughts I've had.  Gladly my mind is clearer than it has been since Sept. 1999.  I feel like I've been living a dream/ nightmare at times and I woke up having fallen on my in-law's floor.  Who is this fool that living there?  How the fuck did that happen?  Where did is cousins go?  Why is he doing what hes doing now?  What's wrong with him?  I don't have all the anwsers but I've pieced most of it together.  My overly spritual self feels lost because of the place I'm at, not nessasarly in strength of my spritit.  The optimisim comes and goes especaily in the enviroment I live in, but I am confident that my Lopez clan that walks this Tierra sagrada will triumph, I don't know the mountain peaks we'll reach or which mountain ranch those peak are at but I do know we will climb those mountians, no matter what.