6 years ago I became very depressed. A depression that I still struggle to break out of on most days. Six years ago so many tremendous things happened around the same time. So much so that I buckled and most of my former character collapsed. The prospect of being pregnant for our senior year was not a completely welcome one but one that we geared up to handle together as a very green but hopeful couple. Doubts were all around us but so was the hope and the help, from our friends from our professors and school, so much so that we dubbed it our Yale family that helped with classes, laundry, and childcare. But juxtaposition to the help and the inevitable fear of becoming a family and parents came events completely out of our hands. August ended with a cousin in an accident going home and another in jail. September 11th happened while I sat on the cusp of our Senior year in Accounting class, that evening I think my personal dam began to overflow. How could we bring a child into this madness into the foolish world that resulted from the attacks. The prospects of graduating and getting decent jobs evaporated that morning the economy would be stuck for while and still our baby grew. When she was born the hope returned but only for a while again as classes began again the dark vibration of postpartum gripped my wife but the chuckles of the baby would shake those away. Suddenly my cousin in the accident died on the road to recovery. In a whirl we were back in California for the funeral of my cousin introducing my family to our new daughter at the bleakest of times. My hopes and dreams were shattered by so many unfixable things that fear invaded my heart and planted the seeds of doubt so deep that nothing has been able to kill the roots of it. The move to Arizona only helped to feed this illness and breed the accompanying depression that coupled with a depressed spouse made for an unhappy home. That's not to say we both didn't try but the joys of Arizona came in spurts and aside from our daughter they mostly came from outside sources but within me the apathy to live fogged my joy. 3 years later SoCal came in a whirl as I knew once a sink cut a gash on my head that I need to change although the follow through of that change was not there the job in California was the impetus of that change. While enjoying my new line of poorly paying work, my spouse's will also broke and the calamity of being in Arizona crashed upon the family. My obsession for the next calamity since 9/11 was linked to my being hooked to the depressing news cycle that was like m&m or soda, tasty but not filling, I've indulged myself in useless toys and artifacts. Then the final year in Arizona made the hope of California like a fleeting moment that was wrapped up in the crash of our marriage in late September. This crash has made me scared of change any even the kind that I know is necessary to move forward, the finding a job and getting back into school so I can become a Lawyer that at times is all I want and in a flash I let go of those ganas as if it were a fish following the current. Why now that we are in California and my spouse is out of her depression can I not move forward with conviction? Why do I still feel the fear of six years ago and the hopelessness of the following spring a spring that never came for me. That void I think will exist in me for ever but I wonder if the wound of it will heal. I wish I were the blaming type but I'm an internalizer and a lingerer that has not let go of the past or the wrong decisions that I have made. Once upon a time and in flashes I'm confident to the point of being arrogant but that was a part of me that helped me get through Yale and High School. The highs and lows of my life have been extreme and usually very closely aligned to one another. Near fatal illness/ wining the lottery, birth of my child/ death of a family member. I don't hold anger but the saddness of those incomplete times in my life, the joy of being a college freshman was not to be mine, the joys of being a senior were not either, and sharing the beauty of my daughter with the hope of recovery with my cousins in LA and in jail were not to be mine either. Those moments came and went and slowly but firmly have broken my spirit. Now being back were I once was well is a strange feeling. Not the this is not the same feeling of my surroundings I expected most of that and enjoy exploring the changes, no the change is in me. Dean Loge once told me or emailed me the story of returning to the same camp ground in Vermont year after year and that each time it was not exactly the same and he wondered if it was the site or himself having changed through out the year. In this vain I write this to expose the unhealthy ruts I have fallen into to see that I'm back but not well as I once was or hope to be. Hope is returning though with the adventures of my daughter in kindergarten and with a neighborhood of good people and children, she seems at peace and in place here. My family is enjoying being in closer proximity with us here in California and the joy of life has returned to my spouse, now the project and focus is on myself, which after so many years of neglecting myself its a small paradox in exactly how to do it. The list of things to do are compiled and yet still I procrastinate, why? I don't know... the fear of getting to a good place and having something terrible shatter it to bits? Probably, I don't want to lose anymore happiness but the happiness is not as bright or vivid (without Tide) as it should be so I must fight to move it forward. That is one of the big reasons for my 5 year delay in writing my essay something like most that I should have done years ago. At cultural connections I was famous for reading Dr. Seuss - Oh the places you will go. That book inspires me now to move forward because as god's creatures we must.
If I continue to write here it will be a sign I'm moving forward if not then the fear will still be gripping my soul, but I promise to fight it.
